It's Hell Living Without a Hero

On a fine summer day, an old man sat alone at the porch.
He was a very strange fellow, this old man. His grey hairs, deep wrinkles and shriveled hands were the only clues to his age, for as far as the townspeople were concerned the old man had been, always, grey, wrinkled, and old. On a closer inspection, one could discern a faint trace of once handsome chin, shrewd eyes, and a tall stature. However, everyone referred to him as ‘that crazy old man’
His unfortunate disposition failed to improve his reputation. He was often loud, shouting out insults towards his neighbors. He never seemed to enjoy a company of another living thing. People assumed this based on their few encounters with the old man: when the townspeople greeted him with a courteous “It’s a lovely day, wouldn’t you agree?” he would answer in silence, showing an obscene gesture with his middle finger and deeply affront the innocent people passing by.
No one could tell why the old man was so angry all the time, but there was no doubt that something was seriously bothering him. He would bark at songbirds singing in trees, growl at a dog playfully chasing its tail, and scorn at the children’s laughter carrying through the kitchen window. Fresh green blades of grass or the white petals of daisies did not seem to please him; on the contrary he seemed to devote a major portion of his time trying to remove these specimens from the soils of his small barren garden.
But isolation didn’t seem to satisfy him either. Although he was surrounded by the stillness of a warm Thursday morning at this moment, he neither seemed to be pleased nor relieved at this result. On the contrary, the lack of movement around him seemed to deepen his sorrows even more.
He did nothing but sit there in absolute silence, and someone might have mistaken him for a corpse, were it not for his shrewd eyes darting restlessly.
No one knew the truth about this old man. No one knew that this 'crazy old man' was very famous when he was young. No one even considered the possibility that he might have had a life before he became so old.
This old man had been capable of many great things. With his charms and talent, along with unfathomable amount of hard work, he gathered money and power. His brilliance had also allowed him to come up with many ingenious plans to conquer the universe – although he had never succeeded. Each time, at the last moment, when all the pieces of his plan seemed to be falling perfectly into place, an anomaly would occur. An anomaly in the name of -
The old man blinked. It was no use to brood in the past though. What was done was done. It was only when he had accidentally succeeded in deleting the ‘anomaly’, did he realize that the world without him – it, he corrected – seemed to have no value anymore.
“It’s hell living without a hero.” said the old man.
A gentle breeze brushed softly against his cheeks.

Dorothy's Silver Shoes

Dorothy’s heart was beating faster and faster. What did this all mean? Did this mean that Oz was once a mere man, the subject of these obscene actions? She eagerly turned to the next page with a pounding heart.

When I opened my eyes, I realized that I was lying in a room with a very high ceiling. I tried to stand up, thinking what day it was, but I simply couldn’t move my head – it was too heavy. After a few struggles, I succeeded in grabbing the bars on my cradle - cradle? Stunned, I looked around, and realized that I was somehow in the old nursery – not covered in dust or filled with huge boxes, but clean and neat as it was 20 years ago. I tried to yell, but instead of usual “What the f---!” some random babbling and gurgling came out of my mouth. Confused, I found myself suddenly overcome with emotions – I burst into tears. A woman – my Mother! – rushed to my side. She said, with a soft voice, “What’s wrong, honey?” She lifted me up, and carried me in her arms.

Dorothy couldn’t believe what she was reading on those pages. The Worker of Many Miracles, the Evergreen Sage, Preacher of Knowledge, had a mother. It couldn’t be true. It just wasn’t possible. She kept on reading. The following entries of his journals were even more shocking.

I had become a baby! The cold truth hit me hard. I did say that I wanted to become young again, but not this young! My mom was now changing my diapers and it truly felt strange. But I didn’t have time to think about diapers. What am I supposed to do in this kind of situation? In the movies, usually toys come alive or animals speak, but no such thing seemed at hand. I pinched myself to make sure that it wasn’t a dream, and it wasn’t. I had to accept the reality and find real solutions.
How could there be a real solution when I was nothing but a baby? But then, I realized something: while my body was in my infancy, my consciousness was no different from that of my 21-year-old self. With the accumulated knowledge that I already had inside myself, I would be a prodigy!

The journal went on for quite a few more pages. It recorded his footsteps of reliving his life as a man inside a baby. With his knowledge of future stock market movements and scientific discoveries, he acclaimed money, fame and power. He had even formed a cult – worshippers and followers from all over the world admiring his riches and knowledge.

It was at this moment that I finally understood the strength of the power that I possessed; knowing the unknowable, I had the upper hand against any person living on earth! No talent a man can possess could compare to the ability to read “the flow” of a society, and in my case, I not only read them, but had actually lived through it! My comparatively younger age and complexion did nothing to hinder my fame but rather sensationalize it as my 11-year-old self foresaw the tragedy of 9/11 and the series of misfortunes that followed. To them, I was God.

The journal slipped from her hands. The sound of the journal falling echoed throughout the empty hall. Dorothy was disgusted. The sheer intensity of his greed and pride was sickening to read. Oh, what horror it was, to read about the blasphemous thoughts of the one whom she had admired so much through Oz’s own writings!

“Come on, Toto, we have to go.”

Dorothy picked up the book and put it back on the pedestal. Dorothy felt as if her entire world was crumbling into pieces. As a devout believer of the Emerald City and its teachings, she had grown up dreaming only about the moment she would be able to become a member of the Green Curtains. She felt betrayed. What was she going to tell Wood, Leo and Quinn? They were all counting on her. She had dragged them into this whole fraud, this whole scam.

Wood, Leo and Quinn were all waiting for her at the other side of the door.

“So what did Oz say?”
“Did you tell him something about my heart?”
“What about my tumor?”

She saw them looking at her with expectant eyes. She could see the hope shining in their eyes. Their eyes were like those of an innocent toddler, looking up expecting for their mothers to shower them with shiny new toys.
Forcing herself to smile, she took a hairpin from her hair and gave it to Quinn.

“Oz told me to give me this to you. He said that he enchanted this with his healing powers. You’ll feel better in no time.”

Turning to Wood, she gave him her heart shaped gold necklace.

“This is for you, Wood. May your heart be filled with love while you’re wearing it - another present from Oz.”

Finally, she took out the little bottle of water she had found in the library.

“And for you, Leo, this is a bottle of courage. Nothing will stop you from doing what you want anymore.”
“But what about you? What did you get from Oz? Did he say that you’ll be able to go back home?” said Leo, who had always cared so much for Dorothy.

Dorothy smiled and said, “Yes he did, don’t worry, Leo. Take Toto and everyone with you and go down the tower. I’ll follow you in a moment. I just have a few more words I’d like to say with Oz.”

While he was going down the stairs, Leo changed his mind. “I’ll wait for Dorothy outside the door. Meet us at the Green Gate.”

Thinking about the best way to propose to Dorothy, he fondled the toy diamond ring in his pocket he had bought for 75 cents. When he felt his courage failing, he drank the entire bottle of courage in one gulp. The effect was instantaneous; he felt a hot sensation spreading through his body filling it up with courage.

When Leo had climbed up the tower again, there was only a pair of silver shoes below the windowsill, with an icy gust of North Wind blowing ruthlessly. Dorothy was nowhere to be seen.

Dialogue Exercise

1- Are – you – a – moron?
2- What’s wrong? What have I done this time?
3- Are you kidding? You told the whole school that we’re going out!
4- Er, was I not supposed to?
5- Are you out of your mind? Why on earth would you tell people that?
6- Um, aren’t we going out?
7- No! I mean, yes, we are, but there’s no need to tell everyone about it. I haven’t even told my friends yet!
8- So what, wouldn’t people notice anyway if you and I started hanging out in school? The word would get out and they would hear it from somebody eventually.
9- Not like this! And what we have going on here was supposed to be a secret!
10- What, are you ashamed that you’re going out with me?
11- No, but I have a reputation to uphold. What do you think people would say when they see us together? Me with you!
12- So you are ashamed to go out with me. I thought you liked me – and from what I remember, you weren’t complaining when I was on top of you last night.
13- Urgh, don’t get cocky with me. What am I going to do… what am I going to do…
14- Wanna make out?
15- Shut up! Do you think I want to do that with you right now?
16- I’m a guy – what do you expect? I’m not good at dealing with emotional crisis.
17- Then shut it for a minute and let me think!
18- Can’t blame the guy for trying. Anyway, when you’ve finished blowing off steam, I’ve got something for you.
19- I - don’t - want -
20- Happy Valentines.

‘I like turtles’ - by Minsoo Ha

‘I like turtles’

by Minsoo Ha

There are some moments in your life that you just wish you could forget that they ever happened. Normally, people succeed in doing so, and eventually move on with their lives. It doesn’t matter that you wore your shirt inside out, or got a haircut that made your neck look fat. Even if your fell flat on your face in front of the whole school on stage, people eventually lose interest with time and soon, the people’s attentions will leave on its hunt for another source of entertainment.
In that sense, you could say that I was pretty unlucky. For it wasn’t a couple of hundred people who witnessed my moment of humiliation, but thousands of practically illiterate people in town who had absolutely nothing else to do in but to watch TV at 4 o’clock in the afternoon. They also evidently thought that it was too funny not to be shared on YouTube. The video reached 0.5 million hits in less than a week and soon parodies and remixes of it spread through the internet like wildfire.

It was just like any other day at the fair with my sisters when a female reporter swooped down on me with a mike and started talking to me. I have never been comfortable with conversing with total strangers, and the big camera inches from my face didn’t help. I was desperately searching for some kind of help from my sisters and parents when I suddenly noticed that the reporter had stopped talking and looking at me as if she was expecting some kind of an answer. My mind immediately went blank. 10 years of my life had not prepared me for an interview on live television – the most that I had managed to make out from the useless things teachers tried to teach me were ‘never get caught’, which somehow I didn’t think I could apply in this situation.
I just knew I had to say something to get over the moment. The awkward silence and the pressure of standing in a spotlight were more than unbearable. I was literally suffocating in all the suspense. Before I could ponder on the first moment of my debut on national television, I blurted out the only thing that was in my head: the three words which would bring millions of sensations to come.

“I like turtles”

For those who have never been to the Portland Rose Festival and are wondering where on earth ‘turtles’ came in, let me explain. In the fair, there was this display where you could see turtles swimming in a glass tank. Every year, I would watch turtles with yellowish green stripes and turquoise shells just lazing away blinking peacefully in the cool water. I was going through a dinosaur phase then, and every reptilian creature big or small fascinated me. So it seems understandable that a 10 year old boy would, upon sudden approach and at a loss for words, proclaim to the world that he liked turtles. The tragedy was, I was wearing ridiculously disgusting zombie face paint!
You can guess how it must have seemed on TV. A 10 year old zombie being interviewed probably for the first time and answering “Jonathan just got an awesome face paint job. (it really was awesome by the way) What do you think?” with flat, monotonous “I like turtles.” Even the reporter was having trouble suppressing her laughter.
I was so focused on running away from the pressure and the camera that I hadn’t even realized what I had said until the next day when Derek, one of the meanest bullies in my school shouted out, “Hey Jonathan, so you like turtles do you?” guffawing stupidly with his thugs.

Well, I was obviously glad that many people liked my video. I received fan mails from all over the world and there was not one radio station, TV channel, and papers which I didn’t appear. It was almost as if I had become an overnight celebrity! They even printed T shirts with my face on, and I was invited to a few TV shows for quite a considerable amount of cash. (I guess my mom must have been happy) But because of that video, I was teased mercilessly throughout my school life. Every time a teacher asked me a question, everyone else would scream out “I like turtles!” It was quite a labor make myself heard over their sniggers and screams of mirth. I somehow managed to get through with minimum scarring with adequate combination of sarcasm and humor as a defense mechanism, and had a quite a good time making fun of people who made fun of me. Nevertheless, I must say that it was quite a relief going to college where people would be more mature and sophisticated enough to have a better thing to do than asking me whether or not I still liked turtles – or so I thought.

“Hey dude, isn’t that the Turtle Boy?”

Apparently, college students must have had a lot of free time on their hands also. Not three seconds had passed after I had introduced myself to my roommate and I was already marked as the Turtle Boy from his friend a.k.a. a total stranger. Groaning inside, I could to do nothing but watch as my fame as Turtle Boy was blazed back to life. Leaving my roommate and his friend gasping for air (from hysterical laughing) on the floor I went for a walk around the campus.
As I was trying to come up with an offensive homosexual joke just in case those two went over themselves, I noticed a girl crouching near a stream.

“It’s dangerous if you lean that far out.” I said, just out of politeness.

She looked up. “It’s okay, it’s only ankle deep.”

She was right. The reflection of light made it hard to see, but the stream seemed to be quite shallow. Nowhere deep enough to drown anyone larger than a shoe.

“You never know. Better safe than sorry, I always say.” I said automatically.

She burst out laughing. “You sound like my grandmother.”

“Hey, she is a very nice lady! And she makes the most awesome cakes!”

“She passed away last summer.”

“Oh,” I was suddenly lost for words. “Sorry about that. That’s what I do. I make inappropriate jokes and apologize.”

I was relieved to see that she was smiling again.

“So, Mister I-make-inappropriate-jokes-and-apologize, do you have a name?”

“I’m Jonathan. I’m a freshman here. What’s your name?”

The moment she heard name, recognition dawned on her face.

“Oh my god - you’re that Turtle Boy from the ‘I like turtles’ video!”

I knew I should have changed my name before I came here.

Every first conversation I have with other people is amazingly identical to each other. Whenever I meet someone for the first time, they get so excited that usually it takes half an hour to stop talking about my video. The first few times, I tried to change the subject but to no avail. They would ask me to recount the moment of the interview with annoying persistence that I eventually gave up trying all together and accepted the fact that this would be my icebreaker for the rest of my life.

Just as I was resigning to the worst and preparing to start defending myself with how young I was, she asked me something I’ve never expected.

“Do you… still… like turtles?”

I’ve been teased with that familiar phrase for nearly 10 years now, but there was no hint of malice in her voice. She sounded apprehensive and worried that I might be offended. It was as if she was a 10 year old inviting me in on her secret, and a little scared that I might reject her. Not sure what to say, I just said the only thing that was in my head right now.

“...I like turtles.”

"I like turtles"///some background research